Edge-pushing + the *re-creation* of my online course

BTE_holdingwhitepaint

[Image: Zipporah Lomax]

One of the most challenging things I’ve ever done in my life was to step in front of a video camera to create my Bloom True online course.  It pretty much brought up all my deepest fears:

The fear of being seen.  The fear of being heard.  And, the fear of being judged.

[yep, triple wammie...and one that I wrote about right HERE.]

So, when the time came around to re-film the course, I had to dig deep (once again) to muster up the courage to face these fears all over again.  For a week leading up to the shoot, I lost sleep worrying about how it would go, what I would wear, how it would look, what I would say and how the paintings would turn out.

SO.  MANY.  UNKNOWNS.

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[Image: Jill Golden]

When the day came to start shooting, I was grateful to be working with two of my dear friends. Uber-talented vidographer, Zipporah Lomax, was behind the camera and clothing designer extraordinaire, Jill Golden, was our go to girl for food, styling, feedback and general support.  Working with really close and competent friends definitely eased my nerves a bit, but I was still an undeniable wreck inside.

When the filming started, I found myself doing a lot of deep breathing, calling on my guides, grounding meditations and sage burning (you know, all the usual suspects).  I also had a couple of positive affirmations which will likely result in a pretty hilarious “out-takes” montage.

“I’m awesome.” and “I got this.”

were the faves.

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[Image: Zipporah Lomax]

Working from a rough outline and a deep knowing of my process, I allowed my words to flow naturally and from my heart (at least this was the goal) vs. trying to memorize anything ahead of time.  Working in this way felt just like the way I paint…no pre-plotting, no planning, just trust and bravery.  And, to be honest, it wasn’t easy.  I sweated buckets, had a total breakdown in the middle of one of the shoots and struggled to get my paintings to “come together.”  Perhaps you’ve been here before?

It was perfectly un-perfect.

You see, my painting process requires you to release expectations, be brave, listen to your heart and trust that you know what to do (YOU GOT THIS!).  It calls you into a place of mystery — a place full of unknowns and what-ifs.  In these ways, it actually requires you to stand on the edge of what is comfortable, LET GO and SHOW UP.

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[Image: Zipporah Lomax]

And that, my friends, is exactly what I did.  I let go of needing to be perfect.  I let go of worrying about looking like a dork or sounding stupid or being judged.  And, just to be clear, this does not mean those fears vanished.  OH NOOOO.  They were definitely still there in full force, but I CHOOSE to move forward, in spite of them.  I choose to move forward because I have a message to deliver that is larger and more important than my own personal fears and crud.

(And, yep, I’m pretty sure that’s what this whole journey is all about.)

One of my favorite quotes kept circling around in my head throughout this experience:

“When I dare to be powerful – to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid” - Audre Lorde (1934-92)

Word Audre.  SO TRUE.

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[Image: Zipporah Lomax]

I’m relieved to say, nerves and sweat and all, the new videos turned out BEAUTIFULLY and the messages of patience, trust, authenticity and bravery come through loud and clear.  I’m crazy excited to share all this heartfelt work with you soon…like on September 30th when the latest version of my course begins!

Here’s a little peak of the promotional video we created.  Feel free to share the link (http://vimeo.com/73823819)  or click ‘share’ in the top right corner of the video and help spread the good word.

Cheers to being totally freaked out and doing it anyway.

xo flora

18 Comments

  1. I am always so surprised to hear other people struggle with fears in the same way that I do. I guess I think that once someone is successful (books, courses, etc) that they must be supremely confident, and rightfully so! (because I love your book and work!) Reading this honest post (thank you) turned that on it’s head and makes me feel better about my own fears. There apparently aren’t two groups of us: those that have it together and are talented and confident, and those of us that don’t and aren’t. I love that quote, too, and will keep it close by.

  2. congratulations Flora! the video is beautiful and your words resonate deeply and fill my heart with courage. xo

  3. Another gorgeous video Flora, I really can’t wait to do a painting retreat with you :D I had deja vu whilst reading this article which is always a sign to me that I’m on the right path, here reading your website :) x

  4. You ARE awesome Flora!! It’s the artist’s way to fear, to judge, to doubt — but you always look and sound, cool & collected, in spite of it all!! :)

  5. My dream one day is to attend one of your workshops/retreats. Oh my goodness you are inspiring!

  6. yeah!
    I hear ya.
    see you and feel you.
    bowing gracefully
    having been
    with you for a
    few days on Bali,
    I know this feeling well.
    and
    I am pushing through again,
    and reading this helps me.
    again.
    thank you xo

  7. A supreme lesson to be learned every day. I feel like I wake up each morning and somewhere in my head or in my heart I have to find courage and trust in the new day. Again and again. It’s like Groundhog Day. In the very best way. I think I kind of like learning this particular lesson. Thank you for sharing your struggles and blowing the lid off the perception that you are cool calm collected all the time…. As Ms. Maya Stein says, it really does help to know “how we are not alone”.

  8. I love you – all that I know of you and what I continue to learn. I love your beautiful-raw truth and how you courageously share it. Sending a heartfelt thank you and a great big hug!

  9. Now I am even more excited about your e-course on the 30th! It’s inspiring when an artist of your calibre is honest about having fears. Can’t wait to get started. Thank you for this.

  10. Flora, I think you are absolutely amazing! and it takes great courage to put yourself out there! Please don’t ever doubt what an amazing and talented person you are! I am so grateful that you had the courage to put yourself out there. You were brave, felt your fear and did it anyway! I am taking your e-course Bloom True for the 3rd time and the effect your teaching has had on me, well… all I can say is you are my inspiration to keep going along this path/journey of overcoming my fears when it comes to creativity! I would be lost without you. SO thank you for digging down deep and for putting yourself out there and opening your heart to all of us! I know how terrifying it can be to make oneself so vulnerable. You are a warrior! Brave and tender. You are my hero! Thank you for your truth and honesty! Much love and gratitude!

  11. flora – happened upon you by happy accident via 29 black street – i have all this inside me, the art, the feel, the life, oh to be nearer to kindred spirits! x

  12. It sure looks like a cool place to be in, cool vid, cheers Marie

  13. Thanks for sharing this. In our action-oriented, patriarchal society it is nice to hear a vulnerable voice. Vulnerability is human and yet we fight it so. The more human we can be, the more we will connect.

    You’re not an INFJ by any chance are you?

  14. That’s a very beautiful video. I felt myself breathing deeply and relaxing as a result of watching it. Thank you Flora!

  15. […] September, I released all new videos for the course, along with some reflections on the fear I had to move through in order to film all those videos — stepping out of my comfort at […]

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